I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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