He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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