You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
