I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
