I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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