Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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