Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
