She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You ate ashes out of my bong
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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