I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
