i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
