I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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