Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
They took my balls.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
