If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I did not marry a roomba.
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