Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
