just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
