It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Randomize
