He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
