she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
