oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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