Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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