I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
