When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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