Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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