And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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