Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Found the puke drawer
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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