Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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