So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
