Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
