i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Sext me about skeletons
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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