btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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