I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
