i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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