I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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