Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
