Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
