apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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