it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
