plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
