She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just blew my weed a kiss
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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