I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
