Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
