Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
