hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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