my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
