Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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