My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
