OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
