I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
