Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Why did my mother make you get naked?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
