My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
